How do priests make holy water?
They boil the hell out of it.
*****
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
*****
What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown to the air.
*****
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
*****
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
*****
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
*****
Doctor: Does your daughter always stutter like that?
Mother: No, only when she speaks.
*****
What’s the one thing that snipers can’t tell their wives?
“ I missed you this morning.”
*****
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says:“Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman angrily walks to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
*****
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
*****
Dentist: This will hurt…
Patient: No worries. I can handle it. Go ahead.
Dentist: I slept with your wife last night.
****
Patient: Doctor, I still have a pain in my eye whenever I drink coffee
Doctor: Did you remember to take the spoon out of the mug before you drink?
*****
Why can’t you eat a clock?
Because it’s time-consuming.
*****
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved!
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