How do priests make holy water?
They boil the hell out of it.
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu. You get what you deserve.
What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown to the air.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What do you call a fake noodle?
Doctor: Does your daughter always stutter like that?
Mother: No, only when she speaks.
What’s the one thing that snipers can’t tell their wives?
“ I missed you this morning.”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says:“Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman angrily walks to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
Dentist: This will hurt…
Patient: No worries. I can handle it. Go ahead.
Dentist: I slept with your wife last night.
Patient: Doctor, I still have a pain in my eye whenever I drink coffee
Doctor: Did you remember to take the spoon out of the mug before you drink?
Why can’t you eat a clock?
Because it’s time-consuming.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved!